I just finished reading an article about a jury's GUILTY verdict in the Caleb Flynn case. If you've not been following it, this is yet another story of a husband murdering his wife in order to "be with his mistress". There have been many of these similar stories. Sometimes it's been a whole family, including children, involved in a murder-suicide case. And while many are men, I'll point out that women have done the same. And while not all are involved in the planning and executing of a murder, they are equal participants in the destruction that leads to death.
In the Flynn case, this was a man who professed to be a Christian, was a worship pastor and former American Idol participant. I doubt that anyone would have suspected that this man who was leading them to worship Jesus was secretly engaging in an affair and eventually plotting to murder his wife.
We don't know the story of this man; we just get to read the articles. And yet I think reminders like this can serve as a warning and as a motivation to understand and change the conversations in the church and in other Christian settings with a goal to stand together against the schemes and tactics satan uses against God's people.
In some ways, I feel I don't have the right to discuss these topics because I have absolutely allowed my own sin, the lie of satan, and a hard heart to lead me into sin that caused a betrayal of my love of Christ, and my own conviction of sin.
I won't share all the details of my story, but I had a perfect storm brewing in my life, and when I discovered the sexual betrayal of my ex-husband toward me, I tried to heal from it, but I didn't. I held on to the lies that grew in my heart, and one thing led to another in wanting to be "happy" that I ended up in a string of affairs, looking for affirmation for my broken heart. And it took me until I faced another deep pain point to get me to surrender that rebellion and sin that had led to death over to Jesus, repent, and turn back to Him.
I hate that I betrayed Him more than anything. I wish I could take it back. But I can't. So instead, I do what I do to help others overcome sexual sin, to help marriages walk through a process of healing intimacy after betrayal, to help couples prepare for marriage and to have a deep wisdom needed to let go of the pride that they hold that "they would never have an affair, never get divorced, never hurt their kids, or hurt God.
T he thing is, I believe that sexual sin is satan's playground in our society, both outside the church, but also inside it. Men and women are increasingly broken, lonely, isolated, without authentic relationships, and feeling hopeless. I believe that many are trapped in the addiction to lust, to pornography, to seeking out pleasure for themselves.
And I believe the Church needs to be way more involved in this war than what I see currently.
This article is a warning against the lure of sin, how it starts and how it ends. But... I don't believe that simply warning people, telling them what not to do, shaming people into purity is the answer.
The answer is teaching people how to grasp a deeply intimate relationship with Jesus, how to heal from unhealthy shame, how to have a healthy relationship with their sexuality, how to grasp the amazing and profound pleasure and plan of God's design for sex in marriage covenant, understand the combination of spiritual application alongside scientific application, how to cultivate healthy conversations that are authentic in marriage, and giving them the right tools to help them walk with wisdom and discernment.
But yes, sin and our love of pleasure, selfishness, and the whispers we listen to that things will all work out just fine in our sin is just as important.
Satan works to entice us, and we become active participants when we entertain, conceal, justify, and repeatedly choose sin.
Here's how it progresses....
- Desire: Something in me wants something outside of God's design and boundaries for sex. " But every man is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire ."
James 1:14. This is not the moment of sin. This is the exact moment to surrender that so that it does not become sin.
Enticement: Instead of immediately surrendering the desire, I entertain it. Fantasy begins to receive attention.
Permission: I say things like " Just this once". " We're only talking." " No one understands me like this person." " My marriage is already bad, there's no hope to fix it". " I deserve to be happy." " This isn't hurting anyone if nobody knows but me." " My wife isn't giving me enough or any sex, so looking for it elsewhere is ok."
Secrecy: Passwords, deleted messages, private conversations, omissions, compartmentalization begins to happen, more and more without even feeling conviction eventually. I turn to darkness, hiding the truth from everyone, even friends because I want to protect the loss of the rush, pleasure, attachment to a person or images.
Attachment: The forbidden relationship, desire, websites become so emotionally rewarding that I'm ensnared by it. Now obedience to God begins to feel like deprivation.
Just like an addiction to any other thing, you can't imagine losing this. You need it to cope with life, to feel good.
Deception and Justification: Instead of changing the behavior, I change the story. The spouse becomes the villain. The sin becomes "love". Conviction becomes "judgment". Boundaries become "controlling".
Hardening: Things that once would have horrified us become increasingly normal.
Escalation: Protecting the sin begins requiring multiplied sins that may progress to no limit.
Bondage: What I thought I controlled begins to control me.
Death: James says in chapter 1:15 " Then, after desire has conceive, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."
A nd there you have it. This is how Caleb Flynn took the path all the way, as hard as he could into death. Death of his wife, death of a relationship with his children, death of his freedom.
Do not be deceived by the enemy and by your sin. None of us are immune, and oh how we live in a world that beckons us to it! How easy it is to swipe on the wrong thing in a moment of weakness that starts down the path. How easy it is to respond to a private message from an ex-lover that sends out a trial balloon. How easy it is to forget our first love, Jesus and walk in His way alone.
So have those conversations with your spouse. Regularly. About the unsuspecting arrows that might be flying by. Create healthy boundaries that aren't meant to control one another but meant to be serious about protecting the covenant you made to each other so that you might live and thrive together.
And, if you have been caught into sexual sin, please do not let this have one more moment of your soul, of your life, of your marriage. With all the compassion and empathy I have for you in my soul, because I know what it's like. Because I know that marriage is hard and we get disappointed, and disillusioned, and things aren't easy. My warning is with my own humility and desire to see that you are no longer afflicted, don't miss out on eternal life and relationship with Jesus, and that you do not dig your own grave into death. Death of marriage, death of self-worth, death of relationship with children, death of friendships, or even physical death.
There is hope in Christ. It's not magical. It's truth.
Jesus says, "The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
This is why HE went to the cross to sacrifice His life, why he came from a perfect sinless eternity in heaven to suffer alongside of us yet was without sin. Because of His great love for us.
He does not condemn the sinner after they've repented and turned to Him and walks in His light.
He proclaimed:
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to proclaim freedom good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."
Luke 4:18-19
Neither do I condemn you. I'm here to help, email me at: Kristi@abidinglovecoach.com
*If you're a woman dealing with sexual sin I'd love to help.
*If you're a woman dealing with intimacy issues after being betrayed, I'm here to help.
*If you're a couple that desires wisdom and guidance on understanding God's design, creating healthy boundaries, and walking in God's plan, I'm here to help.
*If you're a man dealing with sexual sin, or overcoming betrayal by a spouse, I have some great referral partners that I can guide you to.
Love,
Kristi
